


welcome to hell

by bratainamerica



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Markus Loves Simon (Detroit: Become Human), No homophobia whatsoever, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, and simon and josh are best friends, but simon and markus are dating, chloe is norths roommate, hella chaotic, i have a tumblr account devoted to this, i make jokes about homophobia but theres no actual homophobia, im still pissed at david cage, it has the pictures, it's a groupchat fic babey!, its also a college au cuz i nut for those, jericrew being jericrew, make them gay u cowards, markus and connor are best friends and roommates, simon's an eboy, theyre gay babey, this has tiktok memes im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2020-10-12 19:27:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20569628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratainamerica/pseuds/bratainamerica
Summary: uwu king: due to personal reasons i’m now homeof phobicblues clues: valid but why?uwu king: i’m gay and constantly inconvenienced





	1. gAy CrIsIs?

**Author's Note:**

> nicknames  
north - atlantica southeast  
markus - offbrand cheeze its  
simon - uwu king  
josh - peace cryptid  
connor - blues clues  
chloe - america’s sweetheart  
kara - sweet karaline  
luther - brohemian rhapsody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blues clues: markus you're my platonic husband  
offbrand cheese its: i want a divorce

**toktik e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 3.28am _

**uwu king**: [homeofphobia.jpg]

** e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 8.31am _

**atlantica southeast**: literally no one:

simon, a gay at 3am: 

**uwu king**: due to personal reasons i’m now home of 

phobic

**blues clues**: valid but why?

**uwu king**: i’m gay and constantly inconvenienced

**atlantica southeast**: felt that. 

**offbrand cheeze its**: ^^

**peace cryptid**: is home of phobia allowed in this chat 

now

**atlantica southeast**: always

**peace cryptid**: great

**peace cryptid**: simon, you useless gay, you did none 

of the project last night. you have no 

rights

**uwu king**: oop

**offbrand cheeze its**: feel better?

**peace cryptid**: yea

**uwu king**: i went to starbucks to get hot chocolate but 

they gave me coffee instead so i’m currently 

crying in north’s car

**blues clues**: god i felt That

**atlantica southeast**: where’d you get my car keys, 

also, don’t you not have a

license??

**uwu king**: i have one, i just suck at driving, and it’s 

illegal for me to drive because i’m a bottom

**atlantica southeast**: valid. but where the fuck did you 

get my car keys

**uwu king**: chloe gave them to me. i luv her.

**blues clues**: god same.

**uwu king**: she’s so pretty!!

**blues clues**: and sweet!!

**uwu king**: i would die for her sisters too.

**blues clues**: i have classes with cassandra and she 

brought me a cookie once and now i 

would lay down my life for her

**offbrand cheeze its**: caitlin hugged me once and i 

felt life enter my body.

**atlantica southeast**: i love their entire family. 

**atlantica southeast**: but she really just gave you my 

car keys?

**uwu king**: i got u a croissant 

**atlantica southeast**: okay nevermind everythings 

good.

**blues clues**: did u get me anything

**uwu king**: no

**blues clues**: i’m planning your murder

**uwu king**: okay then, markus i got the drink you asked 

for

**offbrand cheeze its**: thank u

**blues clues**: you got him something?!

**uwu king**: he’s perfect i owe him my life

**blues clues**: y’all fucking?

**uwu king**: no.

**offbrand cheeze its**: no

**toktik e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 12.52pm _

**atlantica southeast**: hey who has professor perkins

**blues clues**: north,,, we have class together

**atlantica southeast**: oh yeah, ahaha

**atlantica southeast**: did you do the homework?

**blues clues**: yeah why?

**atlantica southeast**: i didn’t :))

**blues clues**: we have his class in ten minutes

**atlantica southeast**: :))

**blues clues**: i hate you

**atlantica southeast**: great! 

**offbrand cheeze its**: i have news!

**atlantica southeast**: what?

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’m adding chloe to the groupchat 

because i would lay down my life 

for her!

**uwu king**: fuck yeah

**||offbrand cheeze its added “america’s sweetheart” to “toktik e-boys and vsco girls”||**

**america’s sweetheart**: hello.

**uwu king**: hewwo uwu

**peace cryptid**: no.

**peace cryptid**: never again

**||peace cryptid removed “uwu king” from “toktik e-boys and vsco girls”||**

**atlantica southeast**: JOSH

**peace cryptid**: it needed to be done

**america’s sweetheart**: honestly,,, felt that

**blues clues**: uwu

**offbrand cheeze its**: ur next

**blues clues** : [fuckoffmarkusidowhatiwant]

**offbrand cheeze its**: i have such a strong hatred of 

you?? like it’s so strong??

**blues clues**: markus ur my platonic husband

**offbrand cheeze its**: i want a divorce

**blues clues**: rude 

**offbrand cheeze its**: :)

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’m going to go tell simon to 

never fucking speak again, but 

also tell him i’m adding him back

**god complex, but like not really → feral soft boy**

_ 1.05pm _

**markus**: you’re so unbelievably cursed??

**simon**: it’s a gift my dude

**markus**: no but like actually never speak again, you 

cursed being

**simon**: ngl that kinda stung a bit

**simon**: are u gonna add me back?

**markus**: of course you dork. 

**simon**: i’m calling josh out for homophobia

**markus**: okay simon “i hate gay people so much, it’s 

unreal” philips

**simon** : [callmeoutagainyoutrickassbitch.jpg]

**markus**: i should've left you on that street corner 

where i found you

**simon**: BuT yA dIdNt

**toktik e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 1.15pm _

**||offbrand cheeze its added “uwu king” to “toktik e-boys and vsco girls”||**

**uwu king**: i’ve been scolded but i’m back

**america’s sweetheart**: hi simon!

**uwu king**: chloe,,, i will lay down my life you

**america’s sweetheart**: thanks?

**uwu king**: uwu

**atlantica southeast**: have you ever seen a girl and 

just gone wow i’m gay

**america’s sweetheart**: yeah

**uwu king**: constantly and then i have a gay crisis over 

*a***s

**offbrand cheeze its**: i did it when i saw you, north

**atlantica southeast**: suck my cock

**offbrand cheeze its**: what if i said no

**atlantica southeast**: i’d tell you to bow down to me 

because i’m the only top in this 

hellhole

**offbrand cheeze its**: no ur not???

**uwu king**: i’m sorry what??? 

**offbrand cheeze its**: wdym 

**uwu king**: ur a top

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’m aware

**uwu king**: skfkrosockgjrkfjdkzkgkakzkgskzkfkskxmfkf 

**peace cryptid**: look what you did markus, look at him, 

he’s having a gay crisis!

**uwu king**: snfdkdkf i’m going to sleep

**offbrand cheeze its**: it’s 1 pm

**uwu king**: goodnight

**america’s sweetheart**: you have class

**uwu king**: you can’t have a gay crisis if you're 

asleep

**peace cryptid** : [you're not wrong.jpg]

**offbrand cheeze its**: simon

**uwu king**: ZzzzZzZzzzZzz

**gay mess → home of phobia at its finest**

_ 8.48pm _

**simon**: i’m home of phobic again

**josh**: what happened

**simon**: so apparently you can have a gay crisis while 

you're asleep

**josh**: you had a dream about markus didn’t you

**simon**: no

**simon**: i had a dream about markus

**josh**: you’re useless, ask him out

**simon**: no

**josh**: you slept for seven hours, and had a dream 

about him, ur Useless

**simon**: i’m gay shut up

**josh**: understandable carry on

**simon**: i want a bf :((

**josh**: literally ask markus out

**simon**: no

**josh**: i have a strong dislike of u

**simon**: no u don’t

**josh**: debatable

**simon**: :(

**josh**: turn that frown upside down

**simon**: ):

**josh**: you’re despicable 

**simon**: despicable me

**josh** : [fortyyearold.jpg]

**simon**: ekkfdkksd i hate you

**josh**: end eye ewwp sksksksksks

**simon**: rawr XD

**josh**: i hate you

**simon**: uwu

**toktik e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 9.03pm _

**atlantica southeast**: guys,,,

**atlantica southeast**: i made friends

**blues clues**: shocking!

**uwu king**: i’m proud

**peace cryptid**: are they violent like you

**atlantica southeast**: no, theyre sweethearts

**offbrand cheeze its**: where’d you meet them

**atlantica southeast**: oOoOo someones jealous

**atlantica southeast**: why did i say that?

**atlantica southeast**: anyway, i accidentally walked into 

her and her little sister on 

campus, and she was really 

pretty so i thought she was gay 

(she had a pixie cut, y’know), 

turns out she’s not, she has a 

boyfriend. but she introduced me 

to him and i would die for both

**america’s sweetheart**: that entire story was me. Just 

All Of It

**blues clues**: north you absolute disaster

**uwu king**: add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

add them! add them! add them! add them!

**offbrand cheeze its**: that was so?? unnecessary??? 

**offbrand cheeze its**: but yes, add them. 

**atlantica southeast**: y’all are too cursed for them, and 

by y’all i mean connor and simon.

**uwu king**: i am not cursed 😔

**blues clues**: i am, i’m aware i’m cursed

**offbrand cheeze its**: when he was younger connor 

licked the bus floor

**blues clues**: how do u know that?

**offbrand cheeze its**: hank told me, i luv him

**blues clues**: do u just talk to my dad???

**offbrand cheeze its**: mayhaps

**blues clues**: i-

**blues clues**: ok

**blues clues**: i mean u did horseback riding 

**offbrand cheeze its**: i went to boarding school, 

obviously i did horseback riding. 

and that’s nowhere near as 

cursed as licking the floor of a 

school bus

**america’s sweetheart**: this conversation’s scaring me

north add them.

**||atlantica southeast added “sweet karaline” and “brohemian rhapsody” to “toktik e-boys and vsco girls”||**

**blues clues** : [ohhey.gif]

**sweet karaline**: i’m kara williams

**brohemian rhapsody**: luther

**offbrand cheeze its**: wait! i think i know you, are you 

in 3pm psych w wiess?

**sweet karaline**: yeah, why?

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’ve sat next to you for like 3 

months straight

**uwu king**: Knfjfsif markus What?

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’m sorry! i don’t speak to people 

in class!

**brohemian rhapsody**: wait so how did you guys 

become friends

**offbrand cheeze its**: connor and i are roommates, and 

connor became close with north, 

whose best friends with simon 

and josh and she made a 

groupchat and this was formed

**atlantica southeast**: and then we added chloe

**america’s sweetheart**: hello! 

**peace cryptid**: i’m josh btw, i’m barely online

**uwu king**: he hates us

**peace cryptid**: yeah

**sweet karaline**: i- 

**sweet karaline**: you know what, okay. 

**brohemian rhapsody**: honestly me too fam

**offbrand cheeze its**: i would like to make an 

announcement 

**sweet karaline**: what?

**atlantica southeast**: why am i scared

**offbrand cheeze its**: not all dogs are good boys

**blues clues**: take that back or perish

**uwu king**: i have Tears in my eyes

**offbrand cheeze its**: some are good girls

**blues clues**: you’re right carry on

**atlantica southeast**: okay u know what Bye.


	2. not to be racist or anything but tiktok is valid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blues clues: he probably doesnt. he survives off coffee   
and the sweet craving of death  
sweet karaline: specific  
blues clues: its what i do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nicknames  
north - atlantica southeast  
markus - offbrand cheeze its  
simon - uwu king  
josh - peace cryptid  
connor - blues clues  
chloe - america’s sweetheart  
kara - sweet karaline  
luther - brohemian rhapsody

**toktik e-boys and vsco girls**

_ 8.43pm _

**offbrand cheeze its** : boys??? are so cute??

**offbrand cheeze its** : i love them so much??

**offbrand cheeze its** : when they smile, my heart 

melts?? like please smile more

**offbrand cheeze its** : i have such a strong love for all 

boys

**offbrand cheeze its** : they’re so pretty

**offbrand cheeze its** : and when they laugh?? i fucking 

love making them laugh. they 

have the prettiest laughs, and 

when they have the giggle that 

you know only reserved for 

you??? fuck i love them. 

**offbrand cheeze its** : i wanna have one sitting in my 

lap so i can play with his hair and 

kiss his forehead

**offbrand cheeze its** : i want to spoil a pretty boy with 

sweaters and kisses

**atlantica southeast** : me but with like girls

**offbrand cheeze its** : y’know that was the lesbian 

equivalent of when straights on 

tumblr go on a gay post and go 

“me but straight.”

**offbrand cheeze its** : i was just tryna make a vague 

paragraph about simon and you 

ruined it smh

**atlantica southeast** : i did nothing of the sort

**offbrand cheeze its** : ruiner

**sweet karaline** : so are you and simon like dating,,,

**blues clues** : theyre not, but theyre both super gay for 

each other

**offbrand cheeze its** : we Are Not.

**brohemian rhapsody** : idk man sounds gay to me

**uwu king** : were gay,,, but like separately

**blues clues** : you just said that whole ramble was 

about simon

**offbrand cheeze its** : no proof.

**blues clues** : [markusadmityourfeelingschallenge.jpg]

**offbrand cheeze its** : photoshopped

**blues clues** : ok

**peace cryptid** : im too lazy to read up but if this is 

about simon and markus needing to 

get their shit together and get together. 

yeah.

**atlantica southeast** : i smell mutual pining

**uwu king** : psst,,, north, i’m telling you a secret

**atlantica southeast** : what?

**uwu king** : suck my dick bitch

**atlantica southeast** : that sounded way more sexual 

than i think you meant

**blues clues** : north 🗣⬆️⬆️ do you☝️👩🏽 have 🤲👏 a 

degradation 👎🙁🗣 kink 😏🤭

**atlantica southeast** : yes 😩🤙

**america’s sweetheart** : Kskdksbfrjd WHAT

**atlantica southeast** : it’s a joke,,, i do not 🛑❌🚫 have 

a degradation kink

**||offbrand cheeze its changed group name to “north’s degr8ation kink”||**

**atlantica southeast** : what the fuck markus!

**offbrand cheeze its** : :))

**atlantica southeast** : god i fucking hate you

**uwu king** : only i have the right to hate him 

**offbrand cheeze its** : hate me? i’m flawless

**america’s sweetheart** : tell that to your arrogance and 

obliviousness 

**brohemian rhapsody** : i- that was Brutal

**sweet karaline** : that was surprising. i really kinda stan 

it

**uwu king** : CHLOE YOU STRAIGHT UP MURDERED 

HIM SKDJGJDDJDKFJ

**atlantica southeast** : connor and i are watching a 

movie and he just got up and 

walked out of the room because 

of that

**brohemian rhapsody** : honestly i would too and that 

wasnt even directed towards 

me

**north’s degr8ation kink**

_ 4.17am _

**uwu king** : who wants to be in my tiktok

**uwu king** : too late i already decided that when u wake 

u will all be in it

**uwu king** : haha 4.20 

**uwu king** : you All will be in my tiktok 

**north’s degr8ation kink **

_ 6.35am _

**offbrand cheeze its** : can someone please tell me he 

sleeps

**atlantica southeast** : i don’t think he does

**atlantica southeast** : i mean he’s gay it makes sense

**blues clues** : he probably doesnt. he survives off coffee 

and the sweet craving of death

**sweet karaline** : specific

**blues clues** : its what i do

**sweet karaline** : connor,,, sweetie,,, do you need to talk

**blues clues** : no.

**sweet karaline** : valid have a nice day

**uwu king** : sup homies, i’m here, i’m queer and i 

havent slept in 38 hours

**offbrand cheeze its** : simon please sleep

**uwu king** : no

**sweet karaline** : simon sleep

**uwu king** : no i have a habit of staying up until i crash.

**atlantica southeast** : honestly me too

**uwu king** : anyway,,, tiktok time is at 9 am, be there or i 

never talk to you again.

**blues clues** : i’m okay with that

**uwu king** : i am so utterly offended

**blues clues** : 🆗🆒

**brohemian rhapsody** : is it bully simon day?

**atlantica southeast** : yeah

**brohemian rhapsody** : i see no difference between 

simon and tiktok eboys

**sweet karaline** : its because he is one.

**peace cryptid** : [lutherwasright.jpg]

**brohemian rhapsody** : oh my god. 

**uwu king** : this is Slander!

**brohemian rhapsody** : it’s not slander if it’s true

**offbrand cheeze its** : theyre coming for your neck, si

**uwu king** : we all know i’m not an eboy,,, im a soft boy 

theres a difference

**america’s sweetheart** : ok baby

**uwu king** : SLANDER

**north's degr8ation kink **

_ 9.00am _

**uwu king** : i expect you all at mine and josh’s dorm for 

my tiktok

**america’s sweetheart** : we’re coming

**peace cryptid** : i don’t know Why i have to be in it but i 

guess i am

**blues clues** : can i arrest you for putting me in it?

**uwu king** : No.

**blue clues** : depressing

**offbrand cheeze its** : i’ll be there

**brohemian rhapsody** : i guess kara and i are 

coming??

**atlantica southeast** : i have to go don’t i

**uwu king** : yes.

**atlantica southeast** : alright. this might as well happen

**america’s sweetheart** : not to be racist or anything but 

tiktok is valid

**uwu king** : Yes.

**offbrand cheeze its** : chloe No.

**america’s sweetheart** : i need to tell you all the truth.

**blues clues** : if you say what i think you’re about to say

**sweet karaline** : chloe we can help you, you don’t need 

to go down this road

**america’s sweetheart** : i’m a vsco girl

**uwu king** : and i oop-

**america’s sweetheart** : skskskskskss

**uwu king** : chloe marry me.

**america’s sweetheart** : of course

**blues clues** : the vsco girl and the eboy are getting 

married

**brohemian rhapsody** : they’re both gay

**america’s sweetheart** : fuck off, were married.

**blues clues** : [hahafuckyouchloe.jpg]

**atlantica southeast** : PUT THAT THING BACK 

WHERE IT CAME FROM OR 

SO HELP ME

**america’s sweetheart** : thank you for showing me in 

my true form

**offbrand cheeze its** : i’m making that my background 

**uwu king** : but i’m your background

**offbrand cheeze its** : [toolate.jpg]

**uwu king** : wow that was so mean???

**brohemian rhapsody** : Betrayal Level: 1000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter should be out this week, ive been getting busy with sc****l and so now i actually have to focus and do things. but were trying. this is entire fic is kinda inspired by the simarkus discord and trisha, whom i love and adore.


	3. what if we...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brohemian rhapsody: why is north like 100 pounds of pure rage?  
atlantica southeast: repressed childhood trauma

**north’s degr8ation kink **

_ 1.29pm _

**brohemian rhapsody**: i-

**brohemian rhapsody**: why is north like 100 pounds of 

pure rage?

**atlantica southeast**: repressed childhood trauma

**uwu king**: felt that.

**sweet karaline**: mood.

**brohemian rhapsody**: she’s like 5’4 and just filled with 

an unexplainable hatred for 

everyone????

**atlantica southeast**: i went through an emo phase 

when i was 14 and no one paid 

attention to it so now i’m angry

**blues clues**: i never left my emo phase

**atantica southeast**: neither did markus

**offbrand cheeze its**: don’t expose what connor and i 

do on the weekends to everyone

**peace cryptid**: they play scooby doo on ps2 and play 

mcr unironically

**brohemian rhapsody**: say sike right fucking now

**offbrand cheeze its**: sike

**blues clues**: we play harry potter

**sweet karaline**: ok that’s valid

**america’s sweetheart**: an understandable occurrence 

**america’s sweetheart**: if you liked daphne and velma

when you were a child ur gay 

now

**atlantica southeast**: don’t call me out like that

**sweet karaline**: idk i didn’t watch scooby doo

**peace cryptid**: that’s why you're straight now.

**sweet karaline**: aren’t u straight

**peace cryptid**: yeah i didn’t watch scooby doo 

**blues clues**: i watched scooby doo and now i want to 

be a detective

**offbrand cheeze its**: you want to be a detective bc 

you have no social skills and 

your dad’s one.

**blues clues**: [wowfuckingrudemarkus.jpg]

**atlantica southeast** : i watched scooby doo and now i 

want to be a detective 

**offbrand cheeze its** : yeah that’s a valid statement 

**atlantica southeast** : [markus’wordisgod]

**feral soft boy → god complex, but like not really**

_ 1.55pm _

**simon** : what if we kissed under the bleachers 😘😳 

(and we’re both boys 👨❤️💋👨👬) haha jk jk,,, unless

**markus** : is this ur way of you telling me you like me?

**simon** : mayhaps.

**markus** : wow that’s,,, not surprising???

**simon** : uwu

**simon** : idk what that means but were gonna go along 

with it until u say something else

**markus** : this is kinda gay of me but,,,

**markus** : i like you too. i mean like u obviously know m 

that. but like what i mean is i really like you. 

like call you at 2am to tell you i had a dream 

about you, like you. like kiss your cheeks, and 

forehead, and temples, and hair, and lips, and 

nose and every part of your body while telling 

you how perfect you are like you. making 

breakfast in the morning, and baking from 

scratch, and giggling and just being with you 

like you. like every bit of me likes every bit of 

you. just telling you’re perfect and flawless. 

and letting you wear my letterman jackets. 

and waking up next to you. just being with 

you. because that’s all i wanna do. i wanna 

be with you. and i want to make you mine. 

and god yeah i wanna kiss you under the 

bleachers.

**markus** : anyway ahaha tldr: i’m pretty gay for you too.

**simon** : i told you i liked you with a meme. 

**simon** : and you sent me that. sjfjfkdd i feel so bad

**markus** : don’t. it was a simon thing to do. and it was 

Really cute.

**simon** : sidjfjdkd i’m gonna cry stop.

**markus** : please don’t cry

**simon** : [imsobbing.jpg]

**markus** : stop sobbing for a second so i can actually 

ask you out.

**simon** : ok done sobbing

**markus** : will you my boyfriend? 

**simon** : yes!!

**markus** : there we go. okay, meet under the bleachers 

in ten?

**simon** : thought you’d never ask

**gay mess ** →  **homophobia at it’s finest**

_ 2.20 _

**simon** : so i did a thing

**josh** : oh No.

**josh** : what’d you do?

**simon** : [wegotaboyfriend.jpg]

**josh** : i’m kinda shocked you told him

**simon** : okay asshole

**josh** : shut up.

**josh** : but really? a meme??? you asked him out with a 

meme?

**simon** : it was a good idea fuck off!

**josh** : was it a good idea?

**simon** : it got me a boyfriend didn’t it??

**josh** : that’s fair. 

**josh** : anyway what’d he say after?

**simon** : he sent a whole paragraph about what he 

wants to do to me.

**josh** : that sounds sexual,,,

**simon** : never speak to me again you trickass bitch

**josh** : oops.

**simon** : i hate you

**josh** : it’s the truth simon

**simon** : shut up i was crying

**josh** : no you were

**simon** : yeah i fucking was

**josh** : Ok baby

**simon** : we’re meeting under the bleachers in like 5 

minutes

**josh** : i hate every bit of that information 

**simon** : uwu

**josh** : ur fucking meme worked

**simon** : it did because i’m god

**north’s degr8ation kink **

_ 10.14am _

**uwu king** : i’m markus’ background again

**america’s sweetheart** : wow Fuck you markus

**offbrand cheeze its** : idk his background picture was 

super convincing

**sweet karaline** : what is it?

**offbrand cheeze its** : [it’ssimon.jpg]

**atlantica southeast** : it’s a picture of simon sleeping??

**sweet karaline** : that’s stupid

**brohemian rhapsody** : wait,,, simon has blue sheets, 

those are white

**atlantica southeast** : wait!! that star pillow is markus’s

**atlantica southeast** : you little shits

**sweet karaline** : i’m confused

**sweet karaline** : wait

**sweet karaline** : oh

**sweet karaline** : OH

**sweet karaline** : congrats guys!!

**america’s sweetheart** : that’s a valid reason nvm

**blues clues** : markus really fucking kicked me out of 

our room last night for this

**offbrand cheeze its** : :))

**uwu king** : and i

**peace cryptid** : if it makes you feel better connor i 

havent seen my best friend in 36 hours

**blues clues** : i slept in the common room last night

**brohemian rhapsody** : my dorm is right next door???

**peace cryptid** : mine is down the hall???

**blues clues** : well idk ur roommate luther and i didn’t 

know simon was in mine!!

**uwu king** : you’re kinda stupid

**america’s sweetheart** : imagine being as dumb as 

connor

**blues clues** : no one’s as dumb as me.

**offbrand cheeze its** : you’re right about that

**sweet karaline** : i love john mulaney

**blues clues** : that had no relevance whatsoever but 

felt that.

**brohemian rhapsody** : john mulaney’s immortal

**uwu king** : and what about it?

**brohemian rhapsody** : he knows how the worlds going 

to end but he won’t tell anyone.

**atlantica southeast** : am i supposed to tell you you’re 

wrong? cuz you are not.

**america's sweetheart** : i’ve never seen john mulaney

**offbrand cheeze its** : i’m sorry WHAT

**america’s sweetheart** : i’ve never seen john mulaney

**uwu king** : illegal

**brohemian rhapsody** : now we have to watch him.

**america’s sweetheart** : why?

**sweet karaline** : because john mulaney is king. what 

john mulaney says is god.

**uwu king** : everyone has to be there.

**uwu king** : even you josh.

**peace cryptid** : i’m a slut for john mulaney i’ll be there.

**uwu king** : i’m a slut in general

**blues clues** : KskfkeKzkskdjfjf I-

**offbrand cheeze its** : you just said fuck subtlety with 

that Huh.

**uwu king** : anyway chloe and north have the biggest tv 

bc chloe’s Rich Gang,,, so john mulaney 

night in their dorm?

**offbrand cheeze its** : when?

**atlantica southeast** : tonight Coward

**america’s sweetheart** : valid.

**uwu king** : fuck yeah fam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i havent updated in years


	4. i'd be a great revolution leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blues clues: i’m going to mcfucking shoot myself  
uwu king: please sir,,, this is my emotional support  
high school senior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spooky month chapter coming out soon oop

**north’s degr8ation kink**

_ 4.32pm _

**atlantica southeast**: revolution against the teachers

**peace cryptid**: no.

**blues clues**: yeah.

**offbrand cheeze its**: yes please

**uwu king**: do i have to get up to do it?

**atlantica southeast**: yeah.

**uwu king**: then no

**brohemian rhapsody**: bad idea chief

**sweet karaline**: killing teachers is not smart north

**atlantica southeast**: yes it is.

**atlantica southeast**: id make a great revolution leader.

**peace cryptid**: no,,,, you wouldnt

**atlantica southeast**: i would to

**sweet karaline**: nahh

**uwu king**: connor would!

**blues clues**: not to be dramatic or anything but i would 

rather die than lead a revolution. 

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’d be a great revolution leader

**blues clues**: nah.

**atlantica southeast**: i’m calling bullshit

**offbrand cheeze its**: no really i would!!

**uwu king**: maybe

**offbrand cheeze its**: simon,,, u would Suck as a 

revolution leader

**uwu king**: i’d die too quickly

**blues clues**: i’d be on the villain side,,, markus i’m 

coming to murder you

**offbrand cheeze its**: bold of you to assume i wouldn’t 

be able to turn you

**blues clues**: fuck you markus i follow orders

**atlantica southeast**: you sound like a bottom

**blues clues**: oh my god i sound like simon

**uwu king**: fuck you connor.

**atlantica southeast**: kara, luther and chloe avoiding 

this conversation like they would 

avoid the revolution

**america’s sweetheart**: elijah and i would be cryptids 

but secretly we started the 

revolution

**brohemian rhapsody**: listen fam,,, kara and alice are 

all that matters

**uwu king**: ha gay

**uwu king**: wait.

**uwu king**: ha Straight

**sweet karaline**: sorry i was giving alice food, but yeah 

i’m not fighting in that revolution 

**blues clues**: smh,,, disgraces

**north’s degr8ation kink**

_ 8.38pm _

**uwu king**: IFJFJDJF IM PEEING

**offbrand cheeze its**: No.

**offbrand cheeze its**: do not.

**uwu king**: SJFJFJD ITS SO FUNNY MARKUS IM 

DYING

**america’s sweetheart**: what happened?

**uwu king**: MARKUS KISSED MY FUCKING 

BROTHER

**blues clues**: WHAT

**uwu king**: my brother’s visiting for the weekend and he 

was in my room while i was in the bathroom 

and markus came into my room and 

thought he was me and kissed him. im 

crying

**america’s sweetheart**: i’m sorry u have a brother???

**uwu king**: not the point of the story but yes,,, i’m an 

identical twin??? and i have a little sister??

**atlantica southeast**: IM SORRY WHAT???

**peace cryptid**: daniel 😔🤙

**uwu king**: i can’t believe y’all don’t know about my 

brother

**sweet karaline**: i can't believe you didn’t tell me you 

had a brother

**blues clues**: ur talking about daniel right.

**uwu king**: yeah. 

**blues clues**: nice.

**peace cryptid**: emma is my favorite phillips,,,

**uwu king**: she’s mine too

**america’s sweetheart**: psst simon,,, add ur brother

**offbrand cheeze its**: Do Not.

**atlantica southeast**: add ur brother

**uwu king**: im kinda scared of y’al meeting him,,,

**brohemian rhapsody**: why?

**uwu king**: y’all are fucking Mean. and he might

physically fight you

**brohemian rhapsody**: valid. but do it.

**uwu king**: ok

**america's sweetheart**: before you add him,,, does 

anyone else have a secret 

sibling we don’t know about

**blues clues**: yeah.

**offbrand cheeze its**: we don’t talk about him but Yeah.

**atlantica southeast**: WJSJFODKSD WHAT?? 

SHARE.

**blues clues**: also an identical twin and i have two little 

brothers

**blues clues**: we don’t talk about my twin tho,,, he does 

crack behind highschools

**uwu king**: identical twin gang 😗🤙

**blues clues**: gang gang 😗🤙

**offbrand cheeze its**: crackhead brother gang 🤪🤟

**blues clues**: the real gang 🤪🤟

**alantica southeast**: okay,,, but what’re their names

**blues clues**: oh, well colin is my twin, conan is my 

younger brother, he’s a senior and then 

cole is my baby brother he’s a fourth 

grader

**uwu king**: babey!!

**offbrand cheeze its**: my crackhead brother is named 

leo,,, i’m adopted (fun fact!) and 

he’s the same age as us

**atlantica southeast**: why yall gotta have family and 

not tell us

**america’s sweetheart**: because y’all are horrible

**sighman says → danny how you feel?**

_4.55pm_

**simon**: i’m sorry

**daniel**: why?

**||uwu king added murderous whore to “north’s degr8ation kink”||**

**offbrand cheeze its**: my boyfriends a twink and 

honestly super depressed about 

it

**uwu king**: first of all. Fuck you. 

**uwu king**: second of all say hi to daniel

**offbrand cheeze its**: FUCK SI YOU DIDNT TELL ME 

DANIEL HAD ENTERED

**uwu king**: it’s way funnier to watch u Crisis

**murderous whore**: hello.

**atlantica southeast**: judging by ur name i will enjoy u

**brohemian rhapsody**: carnivorous!

**blues clues**: speak in smaller words

**brohemian rhapsody**: cannibalistic!

**blues clues**: i don’t know what that means ://

**america’s sweetheart**: people are yumny

**blues clues**: ö

**atlantica southeast**: iTs CaLlEd NeCrOpHiLlIa 

ReGgIe 

**sweet karaline**: CaN yOu SpElL iT

**peace cryptid**: i heard riverdale and was summoned

**uwu king**: riverdale has no rights

**peace cryptid**: you have no rights 

**uwu king**: yeah

**sweet karaline**: not to be straight or anything but

veronica’s a lesbian

**offbrand cheeze its**: you’re right next question

**uwu king**: not to be gay or anything but i want kj apa

to choke me

**blues clues**: you want markus to choke you

**uwu king**: yeah.

**murderous whore**: who are these people? why was i 

added

**uwu king**: these are my only friends

**blues clues**: simon i fucking Hate you

**uwu king**: i hate myslef

**offbrand cheeze its**: baby no!

**uwu king**: UwU

**sweet karaline**: myslef

**uwu king**: shut up im gay

**brohemian rhapsody**: myslef

**blues clues**: myslef

**atlantica southeast**: myslef

**peace cryptid**: myslef

**america’s sweetheart**: myslef

**offbrand cheeze its**: m

**uwu king**: markus do not

**offbrand cheeze its**: y

**uwu king**: :(

**offbrand cheeze its**: slef

**uwu king**: i’m gonna cry

**offbrand cheeze its**: 🆗🆒

**uwu king**: the only one who hasn’t betrayed me is 

daniel

**murderous whore**: myslef

**uwu king**: jesus christ

**blues clues**: wait! you’re daniel right?

**murderous whore**: yeah

**blues clues**: i’ve beaten you up once

**murderous whore**: oh you're connor

**blues clues**: yeah.

**murderous whore**: god fuck you

**blues clues**: that’s valid

**uwu king**: wait what

**blues clues**: si, from the time i met you to the time you 

told me you had a brother, i thought i 

beat you up and we just weren't talking 

about it. 

**uwu king**: yeha that’s valid i hate confrontation 

**atlantica southeast**: where are your brothers

**blues clues**: i’m not adding them

**uwu king**: please

**blues clues**: no

**uwu king**: please

**blues clues**: no.

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’ll add them

**blues clues**: please don’t.

**||offbrand cheeze its added neckless connor to “north’s degr8ation kink”||**

**blues clues**: god markus i fucking hate you

**neckless connor**: hello.

**blues clues**: i’m going to mcfucking shoot myself

**uwu king**: please sir,,, this is my emotional support 

high school senior

**neckless connor**: [i’mkindofoffended.jpg]

**offbrand cheeze its**: ok everyone introduce urself for 

the kiddies

**brohemian rhapsody**: the “kiddies”

**atlantica southeast**: the new kids jidiot

**brohemian rhapsody**: “jidiot”

**sweet karaline**: op do you take constructive criticism?

**brohemian rhapsody**: no.

**sweet karaline**: understandable

**blues clues**: anyone else lowkey scared of luther

**offbrand cheeze its**: Yeah.

**uwu king**: no he’s a teddy bear

**brohemian rhapsody**: i have razor blades hidden in 

my hair

**sweet karaline**: nice.

**uwu king**: hot.

**brohemian rhapsody**: thanks bro

**uwu king**: of course

**america’s sweetheart**: simon are you cheating on

me?

**uwu king**: yeah.

**america’s sweetheart**: thanks for being honest

**uwu king**: [ofcourse.jpg]

**neckless connor**: [pleasehelp.jpg]

**offbrand cheeze its**: oh right. introduce yourself 

assholes

**uwu king**: i’m simon

**offbrand cheeze its**: god i love ur name

**uwu king**: stop being gay

**offbrand cheeze its**: i apologize i forgot ur home of 

phobic

**uwu king**: thanks for respecting me

**offbrand cheeze its**: i’m markus btw

**sweet karaline**: i’m kara hi!

**brohemian rhapsody**: i’m luther

**blues clues**: i’m connor but like Sh

**peace cryptid**: i’m josh, i hate Everyone in this chat 

good bye

**neckless connor**: god i felt that

**atlantica southeast**: i’m north :)

**uwu king**: op what does that smile mean

**atlantica southeast**: :)

**blues clues**: Please.

**sweet karaline**: [imsoscaredofnorthitsunreal.jpg]

**america’s sweetheart**: i’m chloe!!

**murderous whore**: i’m daniel.

**neckless connor**: i’m conan

**murderous whore**: can i leave now?

**uwu king**: please

**murderous whore**: thanks :)

**||murderous whore left “north’s degr8ation kink”**

**neckless connor**: can i lebe

**blues clues**: no suffer

**sweet karaline**: lebe.

**offbrand cheeze its**: lebe

**uwu king**: lebe

**america’s sweetheart**: lebe

**atlantica southeast**: lebe

**neckless connor**: i hate you all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made this because i got bored. and since like maybe two of you know me, you know that when i get bored i make simon angst, and i'm bored, so get ready for simon angst.


	5. if we're not teletubbies, then what's the point?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uwu king: i’m gonna be a straight person, chloe be my  
fake girlfriend  
america’s sweetheart: okay, what’re we wearing  
uwu king: straight pride flags, socks with sandals and  
backwards hats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty simon!! 
> 
> tw: sexual assault, perceived cheating, drinking.

**||offbrand cheeze its changed group name to “oct-hoe-ber”||**

**||offbrand cheeze its changed “offbrand cheeze its”’ name to “spooky scary skeleton”||**

**oct-hoe-ber**

_ 2.34am _

**spooky scary skeleton**: ITS SPOOKY MONTH

**uwu king**: it’s been spooky month

**spooky scary skeleton**: yes but the best holiday of all 

year is on thursday

**uwu king**: what about our anniversary?

**spooky scary skeleton**: that’s the second best holiday

**uwu king**: :(

**blues clues**: get rekt

**spooky scary skeleton**: anyway,,, what’re we being 

**uwu king**: i’m gonna be a straight person, chloe be my 

fake girlfriend

**america’s sweetheart**: okay, what’re we wearing

**uwu king**: straight pride flags, socks with sandals and 

backwards hats

**america’s sweetheart**: okay that works

**spooky scary skeleton**: we’re gonna be teletubbies

**atlantica southeast**: connor be dipper and mabel with 

me

**spooky scary skeleton**: no!! we’re being teletubbies 

**blues clues**: okay yeah i’ll be dipper, can i wear the 

hat

**spooky scary skeleton**: tel-le-tub-bies

**america’s sweetheart**: wait! can be pacifica

**atlantica southeast**: yes!!

**||alantica southeaat changed “america’s sweetheart”’s nickname to “pacifica northwest”||**

**pacifica northwest**: :))!

**uwu king**: well now my costumes ruined! can i be 

gideon

**spooky scary skeleton**: no, be a teletubby with me

**uwu king**: what if i be a top?

**spooky scary skeleton**: impossible, be a teletubby

**uwu king**: no.

**atlantica southeast**: YEAH! BE GIDEON!! markus be 

bill cipher

**spooky scary skeleton**: [meandtheboys.jpg]

**spooky scary skeleton**: that could be us but you 

playin

**uwu king**: be bill :(

**spooky scary skeleton**: if we’re not being teletubbies 

than what’s the point?

**blues clues**: what about josh?

**peace cryptid**: im wearing all black and saying im the 

void

**blues clues**: oh hello!

**uwu king**: and he died

**atlantica southeast**: we need kara and luther

**oct-hoe-ber**

_ 6.24am _

**brohemian rhapsody**: we can’t do gravity falls

**sweet karaline**: honestly hella jealous you guys are

**blues clues**: what are you fuckers doing

**sweet karaline**: alice wants to be a princess 

**brohemian rhapsody**: so we’re being a king and 

queen

**blues clues**: that’s hot.

**sweet karaline**: is everyone asleep?

**spooky scary skeleton**: simon is

**blues clues**: he never sleeps at this time

**spooky scary skeleton**: i know how to tire him out

**atlantica southeast**: that’s disgusting

**spooky scary skeleton**: we were watching harry 

potter

**atlantica southeast**: oh ok.

**spooky scary skeleton**: and also we had sex.

**sweet karaline**: shut up

**brohemian rhapsody**: literally Never speak like that 

Again

**spooky scary skeleton**: this is harassment

**blues clues**: you’re harassment

**neckless connor**: please all of you shut the fuck up

**pacifica northwest**: stop cursing you're baby!!

**neckless connor**: shut the fuck up.

**pacifica northwest**: markus did you guys have sex 

While watching are harry potter 

or,,,

**spooky scary skeleton**: after. we’re not monsters.

**neckless connor**: i hate you all so much it’s unreal

**peace cryptid**: conan,,, what’re you being for 

halloween

**neckless connor**: death

**peace cryptid**: incorrect!

**neckess connor**: don’t call me out like that

**peace cryptid**: :)

**neckless connor**: my boyfriend, and our best friend 

and i are being the unholy trinity 

from glee

**blues clues**: SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW JDJFJDJF

**neckless connor**: shut the fuck up

**blues clues**: gleek.

**neckless connor**: i am Not

**||blues clues changed “neckless connor”’s name to “loser like me”||**

**loser like me**: CONNOR I FUCKING HATE YOU

**sweet karaline**: who’re you being?

**loser like me**: brittany

**spooky scary skeleton**: no you’re not shut up

**loser like me**: it’s true

**atlantica southeast**: okay,,, who’s the unholy trinity

**peace cryptid**: the most iconic girl gang of all time

**pacifica northwest**: [doitforthem.jpg]

**atlantica southeast**: so which one is conan being

**peace cryptid**: the wlw

**spooky scary skeleton**: theyre All wlw

**pacifica northwest**: the blond

**atlantica southeast**: two of them are blond

**loser like me**: the one on the left

**atlantica southeast**: oh. iconic

**loser like me**: yeah

**uwu king**: hello.

**spooky scary skeleton**: look at my baby!! he’s awake

**uwu king**: yeah.

**brohemian rhapsody**: what’s with the punctuation op?

**uwu king**: i need to prove i’m scary.

**atlantica southeast**: honestly i’m super proud of you 

in this hard time

**uwu king**: thank you i feel like i was hit by a truck

**spooky scary skeleton**: that’s a valid feeling after last 

night

**loser like me**: that’s disgusting

**uwu king**: i fell of markus’ bed three times last night 

during ootp 

**spooky scary skeleton**: yeah.

**loser like me**: oh, that’s valid

**atlantica southeast**: simon cried the first time we 

watched it

**uwu king**: also we had sex

**spooky scary skeleton**: yeah that too

**blues clues**: simon and markus have the exact same 

energy and i’m frightened

**loser like me**: wdym?

**blues clues**: that exact conversation happened about 

a half hour ago

**uwu king**: we soulmates 

**spooky scary skeletons**: Yeah.

**blues clues**: [someonegetmeabfchallenge.jpg]

**oct-hoe-ber**

_ 6.19am _

**atlantica southeast**: connor, from the bed next to me, 

completely randomly, in his 

sleep: heehoo peanut

**blues clues**: heehoo peanut 

**uwu king**: word.

**blues clues**: thanks

**spooky scary skeleton**: jericho’s holding a party on 

halloween,,, show up or die

**pacifica northwest**: i keep forgetting markus is a frat 

boy

**spooky scary skeleton**: thank you

**pacifica northwest**: then i see you and i Remember

**spooky scary skeleton**: wow Rude

**uwu king**: do i have to go 😔

**spooky scary skeleton**: obviously. you’re my 

boyfriend

**uwu king**: ily

**spooky scary skeleton**: and also my beer pong 

partner

**uwu king**: love Revoked

**spooky scary skeleton**: ok

**sweet karaline**: josh is a lesbian

**peace cryptid**: where’s your proof

**sweet karaline**: [karandjosharebsfs.jpg]

**peace cryptid**: when she outs you #justgirlythings

**brohemian rhapsody**: josh i’m here for you in this 

time of need

**uwu king**: i support you

**spooky scary skeleton**: kara you ruined his important 

moment.

**sweet karaline**: you’re right im so sorry

**atlantica southeast**: lesbian gang

**pacifica northwest**: gang gang

**blues clues**: josh,,,, rights

**loser like me**: imagine being gay, can’t relate

**uwu king**: don’t you have a boyfriend

**loser like me**: incorrect, what’re you talking about

**uwu king**: but you said-

**loser like me**: you’re wrong.

**uwu king**: i apologize 

**loser like me**: thank you.

**blues clues**: hey speaking of boyfriend, how’s colin.

**loser like me**: horrible.

**uwu king**: is colin your boyfriend 

**blue clues**: no colin’s our brother 

**brohemian rhapsody**: alabama ✊

**pacifica northwest**: funfact incest is illegal in alabama 

yet it’s legal in nj

**spooky scary skeleton**: why do you know that

**pacifica northwest**: i’m from new jersey

**peace cryptid**: ew

**pacifica northwest**: gross are you a new yorker 

**peace cryptid**: mayhaps

**pacifica northwest**: DISGUSTING

**oct-hoe-ber**

_ 5.15pm _

**uwu king**: [pleasesir.jpg]

**spooky scary skeleton**: we’re dating

**uwu king**: [pleasesir.jpg]

**spooky scary skeleton**: ok

**spooky scary skeleton**: anyway!! party tonight,,, be 

there squad

**blues clues**: i have vodka 

**atlantica southeast**: there will be people to hook up 

with?

**spooky scary skeleton**: yes

**pacifica northwest**: can we take some pictures 

pelase?

**brohemian rhapsody**: pelase

**peace cryptid**: pelase

**spooky scary skeleton**: pelase

**pacifica northwest**: shut up

**blues clues**: p

**atlantica southeast**: e

**uwu king**: l

**blues clues**: a

**atlantica southeast**: s

**uwu king**: e

  


**simon, markus, josh, north**

_ 9.30pm _

[meeting in the quad]

_ [ _ ** _simon_ ** _ is dressed just like gideon gleeful accompanied by _ ** _markus _ ** _ dressed like a human bill cipher, and _ ** _north _ ** _ dressed like mabel. she looks uncharacteristically positive] _

_ [ _ ** _josh_ ** _ stayed true of dressing in all black and saying he’s the void] _

**simon**: we’re waiting for just connor and chloe right?

**north**: yeah, they said they were going to be here in two minutes.

**simon**: did you really be the void just to avoid being a gravity falls character?

**josh**: yeah, it also helps people avoid talking to me.

_ [ _ ** _markus_ ** _ wraps his arms around _ ** _simon_ ** _ keeping him firmly enclosed in a hug] _

**simon**: you’re being gay, markus.

**markus, laughing**: am i not allowed to hug my boyfriend?

**simon**: you never have been.

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ turns around in _ ** _markus’_ ** _ arms to give him a kiss] _

_ [ _ ** _north _ ** _ turns to _ ** _josh_ ** _ , playfully gagging] _

**north**: we get it, you’re dating.

**simon**: this is homophobia, i’m gonna call the police.

**josh**: pull and abby lee miller, simon, you won’t.

**north**: hi abby, where ya goin?

**simon, in a high pitched voice**: i don’t know i think i’m gonna go to baskin robbins.

**markus**: i hate all three of you, so much.

**josh**: i’m gonna call the police.

**markus**: no don’t, ahaha, you’re so sexy.

**josh**: because you called me sexy i’ll let it slide.

**north**: you two are worse than simon and markus

**josh**: honestly, not surprised 

_ [ _ ** _connor_ ** _ and _ ** _chloe_ ** _ arrive a couple seconds later, _ ** _connor_ ** _ closely resembling dipper, with the iconic hat, he has a brown paper bag filled with some vodka in one hand and a 12 pack of Mike’s in the other and _ ** _chloe_ ** _ looking straight out of gravity falls as pacifica. _ ** _chloe_ ** _ goes straight to _ ** _north_ ** _ , giving north a longer hug than necessary _]

**chloe**: hey!

**north**: are you guys ready? 

**chloe**: i was obviously born to be pacifica if you hadn't noticed

**simon**: we should've gotten josh to be grunkle stan

**josh**: yes.

**simon**: go change now.

**josh**: no, fuck you.

**connor**

_ 9.53pm _

_ [ _ ** _connor_ ** _ is hanging towards the edge of the party, nursing vodka in a red solo cup, _ ** _chloe _ ** _ and _ ** _north_ ** _ are dancing at the other side of the party] _

**elijah**: do you go to frat parties often?

**connor, dryly**: i’m part of the frat. 

**elijah**: you don’t look like you would be.

_ [ _ ** _elijah_ ** _ stands next to _ ** _connor_ ** _ , _ ** _connor _ ** _ gives him a small smile] _

**connor**: what gives it away?

**elijah**: the dipper hat, and you know your general look.

**connor**: in my defense you don’t look like much of one for parties either.

**elijah**: i’m not, my best friend told me to come. 

**connor**: it’s a legal requirement for all frat members to come to the damn party. i think it’s just to leave all the bed rooms free for people to hook up with.

**elijah**: you know, we could use one of those free rooms. 

**connor**: smooth, i’m connor.

[** _elijah_ ** _ holds out his hand to _ ** _connor_ ** _ , _ ** _connor_ ** _ shaking it] _

**elijah**: i’m elijah. 

**connor**: i feel like chloe’s mentioned you before.

**elijah**: she probably has.

**connor**: obviously. well i’m not going to go hook up with some guy i just met. so, want to dance? 

**elijah**: i would love to. 

_ [ _ ** _connor _ ** _ drinks the last bit of his drink, placing the solo cup on the table next to him.] _

_ [he takes _ ** _elijah’s _ ** _ hand and head to the center of the room, placing his arms around _ ** _elijah’s_ ** _ neck and dancing with him to the song playing] _

**chloe and north**

_ 10.15pm _

_ [ _ ** _chloe_ ** _ and _ ** _north_ ** _ are dancing in the center of the dance floor, they’re facing each other, standing face to face. a fast upbeat, britney spears song is playing, but soon switches to a slow song] _

**north**: would you like to dance?

**chloe**: of course

_ [the two break out in a fit of laughs, together they start slow dancing, _ ** _north _ ** _ leads] _

**north**: at a halloween party you wouldn’t think they would have slow songs

**chloe**: it’s a ploy to have the frat boys make out with people

**north**: ah yes, i apologize.

**chloe**: i mean i don’t mind the ploy though.

**north, confused**: oh?

**chloe**: i mean, if it allows me to make out with a certain person.

**north**: oh who?

**chloe**: you.

**north**: what?

**chloe** , **leaning in**: can i kiss you?

**north**: go ahead, i’ve been waiting for it.

_ [ _ ** _chloe_ ** _ and _ ** _north_ ** _ both lean in connecting to each other in a chaste kiss, although it’s quick it’s perfect] _

**chloe**: jesus

**north**: yeah.

**chloe**: you know i really like you.

**north**: i like you too.

**markus, josh**

_ 11:42pm _

_ [ _ ** _markus_ ** _ and _ ** _josh_ ** _ are in the frat kitchen. _ ** _markus _ ** _ is already on his 3rd drink, _ ** _josh_ ** _ is still nursing his first beer] _

**josh**: so where did simon go? 

**markus**: he went to go dance. i told him i’d meet him there soon

**josh**: i’m guessing you don’t like dancing

**markus**: not my thing. however, it is simon’s thing. he’ll be fine

**josh**: i didn’t say anything. you should go hang out with him. he’s your boyfriend.

**markus**: my boyfriend, who will be fine. i’m not his keeper.

**josh**: that sounds way kinkier than you meant it to be

**markus, with a dry laugh**: jesus fucking christ, you're ridiculous.

**josh**: i’m keeping it real. but seriously, go hang out with simon, i’m sure he wants to do all types of dances with you.

**markus**: i hate you so much it’s unreal.

_ [as _ ** _markus_ ** _ starts to exit the kitchen, a girl runs in. _ ** _ markus _ ** _ and _ ** _josh_ ** _ vaguely recognize her as a girl from _ ** _north’s _ ** _ sorority named _ ** _amber_ ** _ .] _

_ [ _ ** _amber_ ** _ rushes towards the sink, hurling herself over it as she throws up. _ ** _markus _ ** _ rushes to help her, he grabs her hair and holds it back as she pukes into the sink] _

**markus**: are you okay? do you need water?

_ [ _ ** _markus_ ** _ motions for _ ** _josh_ ** _ to get _ ** _amber_ ** _ water. josh brings it over, handing it to _ ** _markus_ ** _ . _ ** _amber _ ** _ takes the water from _ ** _markus_ ** _ .] _

**amber**: thanks. i guess i drank a bit too much.

**markus**: it happens to the best of us.

**amber**: i’m amber.

**markus**: i’m markus, are you sure you’re okay? i can take you upstairs to lay down.

**amber**: you can? i got a raging headache.

**markus**: of course just follow me.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ begins walking _ ** _amber_ ** _ out and _ ** _josh _ ** _ stops him] _

**josh**: don’t forget to check on simon, ight?

**markus**: he’ll be fine. i’ll check on him after this.

**simon**

_ 12.00am _

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ was in the middle of the dance floor, he didn’t mind dancing alone, after all, _ ** _markus_ ** _ had told him he would meet him on the floor eventually _]

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ felt hands on his hips coming from behind him. thinking it was _ ** _markus, simon _ ** _ continued dancing along with the music] _

**simon**: hey babe. i was waiting for you.

**brad**: i’m sure you were sweetheart.

_ [not hearing _ ** _markus’ _ ** _ voice, _ ** _simon_ ** _ turns around, seeing someone who’s Not _ ** _markus_ ** _ ] _

**simon**: who the fuck are you?

**brad**: i’m brad, baby. but you can call me tonight. 

**simon**: get your hands off me

[** _brad _ ** _ only grips tighter, _ ** _simon _ ** _ tries to wriggle away] _

**brad**: we’ll you can’t look like that, and not expect someone to touch you.

**simon**: get off of me.

**brad**: don’t play so hard to get, i know you want me

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ feels panic rising in his throat] _

**simon, more frightened**: i have a boyfriend, get off of me.

**brad**: i don’t see him here. he doesn’t need to know.

**simon, exceedingly scared**: please just let me go. 

**brad**: i think we should have some fun.

_ [ _ ** _simon_ ** _ finally breaks away from _ ** _brad_ ** _ , rushing upstairs to find _ ** _markus_ ** _ ] _

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ finds _ ** _markus’ _ ** _ door, not hesitating to enter with out a knock. his entire body is shaking, voice included.] _

**simon, shakily** _ : _hey markus, can we go back to my dorm, i’m kinda freaking out and i just ne-

_ [ _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ cut off by the sight of _ ** _markus _ ** _ and _ ** _amber _ ** _ kissing on _ ** _markus_ ** _ ’ bed, _ ** _simon _ ** _ tears up] _

**simon, voice breaking**: oh, never mind then.

**markus**: simon! wait, it’s not what it looks like!

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ closes the door and walks away, ignoring _ ** _markus’ _ ** _ calls after him] _

  


**oct-hoe-ber**

_ 12.45am _

**||uwu king left the chat||**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween!!


	6. stupid boy think that i need him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon: stupid boy think that i need him  
simon: stupid boy is right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY IN MY DEFENSE THIS IS A HEFTY FUCKIN CHAPTER
> 
> TW: the events of last chapter
> 
> this chapter is written a bit differently and for that i apologize. it took me like 5 months and three rewrites to get it how i liked. but i think it's acceptable. i hope you all are ding okay in quarantine! stay safe, my loves!
> 
> nicknames  
on thin fucking ice, spooky scary skeleton: markus  
adult apples to apples: sixty/colin  
ice cream cone/loser like me: nines/conan  
cinnabun tells you lies/blues clues: connor  
spare,,, cuddles,, maam/semen: simon  
damn kinda miss grease/queen corona/thicc tac: north  
radioactive hits different/peace cryptid: josh  
coraline/sweet karaline: kara  
barbie/msn worm: chloe  
brohemian rhapsody: luther

**gay mess → homophobia at it’s finest**

_ november 5th, 12.42pm _

**simon**: i went to starbucks today and the lady 

asked me how i was and i nearly cried

**josh**: simon,,,,

**simon**: listen. it’s been a hard week. i hate 

ordering for myself :((

**josh**: wow pussy

**simon**: i’m a literal ball of anxiety leave me the 

fuck alone

**josh**: the real reason you we’re dating [redacted] 

is because he ordered for you

**simon**: stupid boy think that i need him

**simon**: stupid boy is right.

**josh: **again, [redacted] was ur boyfriend bc he 

spoke in public for you

**simon**: you really out here reading my mind, 

huh?

**josh**: our minds are the same, idiot. you, me, and 

north share a singular braincell. 

**simon**: yeah. matt maeson singing isn’t enough 

to keep me going anymore. i’m gonna 

Die

**josh**: have you tried girli?

**simon**: yeah 😔

**josh**: harry styles

**simon**: harry styles isn’t my mourning music

**josh**: conan grey?

**simon**: i have literally not stopped listening to 

crush culture

**josh**: hozier? 

**simon**: yeah, nothing worked

**josh**: ribs, by lorde?

**simon**: absolutely nothing.

**josh**: cut his dick off

**simon**: no.

**josh**: why?

**simon**: i like his dick 🥺👉👈

**josh**: yeah idfk how to help. ur in deep

**josh**: if it makes u feel better, the groupchats 

been dead since u left

**simon**: weirdly,,, it does. we all know i was the 

reason that groupchat survived

**josh**: i mean,,, ur not wrong

**simon**: i’m never wrong

**josh**: ok bottom

**simon**: :((

**josh**: ok but u heard about north and chloe right?

**simon: **north is gonna propose in 3.5 business days

**josh**: and connor and elijah

**simon**: they hooked up, elijah doesn't do 

relationships and connor doesn't like rats

**josh**: thank god you’re all caught up

**simon**: obviously

**connor, can i meet ur family**

_ december 12th, 4.38pm _

**on thin fucking ice**: it do be missing simon 

hours doe

**adult apples to apples**: didn’t u cheat tho

**on thin fucking ice**: well no, but he thinks i did

**adult apples to apples**: ok but like why is that 

better?

**ice cream cone**: it’s not he’s just too much of a 

pussy to talk to simon

**cinnabun tells you lies**: honestly, big yikes 

anyone wanna come to 

a club w me tonight?

**adult apples to apples**: i’ll go

**cinnabun tells you lies**: except sixty

**adult apples to apples**: that’s fair

**ice cream cone**: it’s wednesday

**cinnabun tells you lies**: yeah, i know. i don’t 

have classes tomorrow

**on thin fucking ice**: i’ll go if sixty goes

**cinnabun tells you lies**: that’s valid. we’re in 

business

**ice cream cone**: is that wise?

**on thin fucking ice**: i gotta get over simon 

somehow

**connor, can i meet ur family**

_ december 12th, 8.55pm _

**cinnabun tells you lies**: guys,,,

**ice cream cone**: what?

**cinnabun tells you lies**: i think simon’s here??

**on thin fucking ice**: what?

**adult apples to apples**: i’m calling bs

**cinnabun tells you lies**: ah fuck he saw me, 

imma go say hi

**ice cream cone**: there’s no way this ends well

**connor, possibly simon??**

[unnamed club near detroit university]

_ december 12th, 8.57pm _

_ [ _ ** _connor’s_ ** _ drink was held firmly in one hand. _ ** _markus_ ** _ was dancing with some guy by the bar, a bad choice according to _ ** _sixty_ ** _ ] _

**connor, waving**: simon, didn’t think i’d see you here

**possible simon**: simon? oh, you’re connor

**connor**: didn’t think you’d forget about me, si, kinda wounded

_ [ _ ** _possible simon_ ** _ snorts, _ ** _ connor _ ** _ gives him a smile] _

**possible simon**: i’m not simon. 

**connor, confused**: what?

**not simon**: daniel, the identical twin. you 

punched me in the face once.

_ [ _ ** _connor_ ** _ realizes quickly, eyes widening comically] _

**connor**: oh! daniel! i remember you. far cuter 

than i remember

**daniel**: that’s the alcohol you’re thinking with.

**connor**: i didn’t know you could think with 

alcohol 

**daniel, chuckling**: you’re cute.

**connor**: thanks, i know. [he pauses, looking up 

at** daniel**] wanna dance?

**daniel**: what’s the harm?

**connor, possibly simon??**

_ december 12th, 9.25 pm _

**cinnabun tells you lies**: it wasn’t simon. it was 

his twin

**cinnabun tells you lies**: his twin is a good kisser

**[redacted] → simon**

voicemail 

_ december 13th, 3.45 am _

**would you like to listen?**

**yes no**

_ yes _

**markus, words slurred, obviously very drunk, loud music plays in the background: **have i ever told you how perfect you are? like seriously. have i? because i think you are. there’s a lot of reasons i love you! i should tell you sometimes. there’s a lot [**_markus_** _chuckles drunkenly_] a lot a lot a lot a lot, like to the moon and back!! i love you to the moon and back. [_he pauses for a second] _i miss you. but let me tell you a tiny secret!! i’m drunk as fuck. sixty and connor brought me out! i thought i saw you earlier, but it wasn’t, it made me sad. some girl tried to hook up with me tonight, but i told her no! because i’m in a very serious relationship with someone i love very much. [_he pauses again, you can hear a sniffle] _i didn’t cheat on you, a random girl puked, i brought her to bed, she kissed me, it was a bad kiss. nothing like your kisses. your kisses were the best. with your pretty lips, and your gorgeous smile, and your blue ass eyes, speaking of ass i miss yours. i wanna kiss your neck. kiss is a weird word, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. it sounds fake, i miss your kisses. i miss you. the beepy phone lady is telling me to shut up, so goodnight sunshine, sleep tight. [**_markus_**_ hangs up]_

**delete voicemail? **

**yes no**

**no**

**connor, can i meet your family**

_ december 13th, 2.45 pm _

**on thin fucking ice**: oh no-

**ice cream cone**: what’s oh no?

**adult apples to apples**: it's 2.45 pm, did u just 

wake up

**on thin fucking ice**: ahut up connor’s still asleep 

and im crising

**ice cream cone**: why?

**adult apples to apples**: crising isn’t a word

**ice cream cone**: you also spelled shut wrong

**on thin fucking ice**: i called simon last night

**adult apples to apples**: oh-

**adult apples to apples**: oh no.

**on thin fucking ice**: god i have zero clue what 

drunk me said. i was drunk 

and an idiot. 

**ice cream cone**: am drunk and am an idiot**

**on thin fucking ice**: i’m gonna duel you

**ice cream cone**: ight bet.

**adult apples to apples**: ok but like what are u 

gonna do about the call

**on thin fucking ice: **idk pretend it never 

happened?

**ice cream cone**: not smart

**on thin fucking ice**: since when have i been 

smart

**kleenex tissues >>>>**

_ december 13th, 3.20 pm _

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: so,,, uhh [redacted] 

called me last night

**damn kinda miss grease**: oh worm?

**radioactive hits different**: what’d he say?

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: he went clubbing with 

sixty and connor, he 

misses me. i miss him 

too, like a lot actually

**damn kinda miss grease**: oh si,

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: he said that he didn’t 

cheat on me. and idk, 

i believe him… i think

**radioactive hits different**: do what makes you 

comfortable, we’ll be 

here the whole time

**damn kinda miss grease**: maybe everything 

was a 

misunderstanding, 

and it’ll all work out

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: yeah, i think im gonna 

call him.

**radioactive hits different**: i’m proud of you, and 

if it doesn't work out, 

at least you got 

closure, right? that’s 

a good thing

**damn kinda miss grease**: and josh and i will 

have blankets and 

ice cream ready 

**radioactive hits different**: yeah, 100%

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: i love u guys 🥺🥺

**damn kinda miss grease**: really hope it works 

out, i miss everyonr

**damn kinda miss grease: **plus u look all sad all 

the time and i hate it, 

it makes me feel like i 

kicked a puppy

**spare,,, cuddles,, maam**: and north ruined the 

moment

**simon → [redacted]**

_ december 14th, 12.30 pm _

**simon**: hey can we meet?

**markus**: uh- yeah, sure. under the bleachers at 4 

work?

**simon**: yeah. i’ll see you then

**simon**: love you 

**delete message?**

**yes no**

_ yes _

**message deleted**

**markus**: yeah, i’ll see you

**markus**: love you too, baby 

**delete message?**

**yes no**

_ yes _

**message deleted**

**simon, markus**

[under detroit university bleachers]

_ december 14th, 4.00 _

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ arrives first. he waits for _ ** _simon_ ** _ in silence worried the blond won’t show. two minutes later _ ** _simon_ ** _ shows up, _ ** _markus_ ** _ ’ eyes brighten as he sees the boy he’s in love with. _ ** _simon_ ** _ lets out an anxious sigh, his palms shaking] _

**simon**: markus

**markus**: hi, si

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ and _ ** _simon_ ** _ chuckle softly] _

**markus**: that rhymed

**simon**: you called me last night

_ [ _ ** _markus’ _ ** _ face falls, _ ** _simon _ ** _ chews on his lower lip shivering softly] _

**simon**: you mentioned something, in between your drunk rambling, and saying you missed me, you said you didn’t cheat on me. is that true?

**markus**: yeah, it’s true. there was this girl, who threw up in the sink, and she looked out of it, so i brought her up to bed, and she kissed me. i was about to push her away and you walked in. i hated it. i wouldn’t cheat on you. i love you!!

**simon**: oh.

[_ they’re both quiet for a second. _ ** _simon _ ** _ shifts] _

**simon**: i feel like an idiot

**markus**: you’re not. i don’t think i would be happy if i walked in on you kissing someone else

** _[simon _ ** _ makes a look, raising his eyebrows and letting out an exhale] _

**markus**: si?

**simon**: that night, there was a guy, he kept touching me, telling me that i was just asking to be touched. we didn’t do anything! i told him i had a boyfriend. but god- it was just-it was horrible. i was so shaken up by it, and i went up to your room to tell you, and i don’t know- just be with you, and when i saw you with her- i wasn’t thinking. i’m sorry.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ looks down feeling even guiltier than he did before] _

**markus, reaching out to touch simon’s shoulder**: simon, you don’t need to be sorry for that. that must’ve been traumatic as shit.

**simon**: it was. i don’t know, i’m still affected by it, i guess? i tried to go dancing with north last week and literally any guy that came up to me and felt wrong.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ stays silent for a moment, before looking at _ ** _simon_ ** _ , he stares straight into what looks like an angel, and he feels himself melt. he wants to run his hands through _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ hair, and kiss his cheeks, and sleep with him in his arms. he wants to keep him safe and loved. _ ** _markus _ ** _ looks down at _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ hands] _

**markus**: that sounds horrible sunshine.

_ [the blond looks up at the nickname a blush spreading to his cheeks. he has a light stream of cheeks, _ ** _markus _ ** _ unconsciously brings one thumb up to brush at them, _ ** _simon _ ** _ doesn't flinch] _

**markus**: i wanna try again

**simon**: me too.

**markus**: am i okay to hug you?

**simon**: please do.

** _[markus_ ** _ brings _ ** _simon _ ** _ close, wrapping his arms around him tightly, and taking a deep breath in and smelling nothing but home] _

**precious baby!!! → lover boy **

_ december 21st, 3.35am _

**simon**: okay, i’m very much aware that you’re 

probably like half asleep, bc u just flew to 

san fuckin diego but like it’s 3am in me 

and i can’t sleep

**markus**: what’s wrong?

**simon**: dunno, daniel and i keep fighting and 

emma’s currently refusing to talk to me, 

so idk. i’m stressed

**simon**: i miss you.

**markus**: i miss you too baby. are you okay?

**simon**: dunno the answer to that either tbfh. i’ve 

been drowning myself in tiktoks. it’s 

really not helping

**markus**: ur nearly tiktok famous now

**simon**: 700K followers babey!!

**markus**: i’m really proud of u

**simon**: thank u, kind sir

**simon**: enough about me, what about you?

**markus**: sir? hmm KiNda LiKe That

**markus**: the holidays have actually been really 

good. leo said he’s getting sober and 

dad said he actually went to the 

rehab he signed him up for this time. so 

that’s good. i hadn’t seen dad in a 

while. i wish you could meet him.

**simon**: maybe over the summer? i wanna.

**markus**: you tired, sugar?

**simon**: yeah, but i really can’t fall asleep.

**markus**: you want to facetime?

**simon**: can we?

**lover boy ** → precious baby!!!****

facetime 

_ december 21st, 1.56am _

** _[markus_ ** _ is standing, phone perched on a free easel, he’s looking at a half painted canvas, a light background with two hands grasped together in the middle _ ** _]_ **

**markus**: hey baby.

**simon**: are you painting?

**markus**: yeah, it's not too late, i figured i’d work on something.

**simon**: as you should when you’re on christmas break

**markus**: naturally. so what are you doing?

**simon**: besides admiring your freckles?

**markus, chuckling**: you can’t even see my face.

**simon, with a small smirk**: i know, i just know they’re there.

**markus**: smooth, i feel desperately attracted to you

**simon**: i would be “desperately” attracted to you if you took off your shirt.

**markus**: not happening, sugar.

**simon**: i did try. 

**markus**: that you did.

** _[markus _ ** _ puts down his paint brush, sitting down on a stool and looking at _ ** _simon_ ** _ . _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ burrowed in the sheets wearing an oversized sweater _ ** _]_ **

**markus**: what’cha actually doing?

**simon**: failing at falling asleep.

**markus**: have you tried anything like relaxing or have you been watching old reruns?

**simon**: i’ve tried calling you?

**markus**: funny.

**simon**: i try.

**markus**: you have milk in your house?

**simon**: yeah.

**markus**: go to your kitchen, and get some warm milk, add half a spoon of sugar and half a spoon of cinnamon and i’ll tell you a story.

**simon**: will that help? 

**markus**: yeah, my mom used to do it with me.

**simon, quietly**: you’ve never told me about your mom. 

** _[markus _ ** _ looks down fiddling with his hands, _ ** _simon _ ** _ seems to be bringing markus to his kitchen, as _ ** _simon_ ** _ goes around making the drink, _ ** _markus _ ** _ watches him. he sees the boy he’s so darn in love with. and how life passes with him. and how he wants to spend the future with him _ ** _]_ **

**simon**: sorry i didn't mean to make you upset. 

**markus**: no-no don’t worry about it, i’ll tell you about her tonight. 

** _[simon_ ** _ gets back into bed, crawling under the covers with his drink and placing his phone on his night stand (totally not resting against his lamp so he could see _ ** _markus_ ** _ or anything) _ ** _]_ **

**markus**: you comfy?

**simon**: would be better with your arms around me.

**markus**: wish i could be there.

**simon**: so, you gonna tell me your story?

**markus** : of course. my mom and i were really close until she passed. she was a single mom, and while we weren't struggling we weren’t as _ comfortable _ as i am now-

**simon**: you mean to say you’re rich?

**markus**: i guess. 

**simon**: awfully sexy of you.

**markus**: wow, you sound like a sugar baby.

**simon**: and what about it?

**markus**: anyway, my mom and i stayed together. there was one weekend that she got off from work and she surprised me, like really truly surprised me. we went to disney, and it really seemed like a place i would never be able to go, she was always working and san diego was never exactly inexpensive, but it was, and she took me and, si, god it was amazing. when they say it’s the happiest place on earth they do mean it. there was one point where we were waiting on line for like two hours for this ride, and when we got there i was too short to go on, and so she grabbed some snickers from somewhere and shoved em in the bottom of my shoes and we waited on line again, shorter this time, and we thought we beat the system and just as we were going down the roller coaster i nearly fell off. and it truly was the scariest best moment of my life.

**simon**: that sounds so irresponsible i love it.

**markus**: it was amazing

** _[_ ** _ off camera, there’s a loud call, “go the fuck to sleep markus!” _ ** _markus _ ** _ looks at the camera and laughs quietly. _ ** _]_ **

**markus, yelling back**: sorry leo!!_ [_**_markus_**_ turns to _**_simon_**_]_ i gotta go, i love you, sweetheart. try to go to sleep alright?

**simon, voice slightly slurred**: alrighty, g’night. i love you too lover boy.

**wonder pets theme song**

_ december 23rd, 8.37pm _

**coraline**: okay but i hate winter break 

**barbie**: can’t believe i gotta go a month without 

movie night

**thicc tac**: we do be goin back on the 11th tho

**barbie**: omg imma see y’all next year! ahaha

**coraline**: i want u to perish is an irreversible 

fire 

**thicc tac**: has fire ever been reversible?

**coraline**: depends on who you ask.

**thicc tac**: cryptic i hate it!

**barbie**: kara in the groupchat: sunshines and 

rainbows

kara in pms: kookie kookie lend me your 

bones

**thicc tac**: did you just quote stephen king

**barbie**: no.

**coraline**: yes you did

**barbie**: leave me alone no i didn’t :((

**thicc tac**: alrighty stephen king stan

**barbie**: oh to be stephen king high on cocaine in 

the 50s writing about children having 

orgies in the sewers

**thicc tac**: it was a gang bang

**barbie**: oh i apologize 

**thicc tac**: it’s all good baby girl

**coraline**: im 3rd wheeling

**barbie**: don’t look at us hettie, we’re not helping 

u :)

**coraline**: heterophobia!

**barbie**: yes maam i hate striaght people!

**thicc tac**: striaght

**coraline**: u know my boyfriend would not stand 

for this

**thicc tac**: ur boyfriend respects women.

**coraline**: he does i love him.

**thicc tac**: as u should.

**precious baby!!! ** → **lover boy**

facetime 

_ december 25th, 9.25am _

_ [ _ ** _simon_ ** _ is laying on his bed, his phone seemingly perched on something at the edge of his bed, as he stands up and is hanging something on his wall] _

_ [ _ ** _markus_ ** _ picks up on the third ring, _ ** _simon_ ** _ places what he was hanging on his bedside table and flops down on the bed, to see _ ** _markus_ ** _ soaking wet and very unhappy.] _

**simon** : didn’t think you’d be awake at this time. _ [he pauses, scrunching up his nose which _ ** _markus_ ** _ finds very adorable, and totally takes a screenshot for later use] _you’re wet. why are so you so wet?

**markus**: that’s what she said.

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ hangs up] _

**lover boy → precious baby!!!**

facetime 

_ december 25th, 9.26am _

[** _simon _ ** _ answers looking way less than amused, and _ ** _markus_ ** _ has a stupidly attractive grin on his face] _

**simon**: that was not funny, i absolutely hate your sense of humor

**markus**: aw, c’mon, angel! it’s christmas! don’t be mad at me

**simon**: i revoke the christmas gift mailed to you, i hope you burn

**markus**: that’s fair

**simon** : that being said, you did not tell me _ why _you were soaked

**markus**: as you know, it is barely 6.30 am here.

_ [ _ ** _simon _ ** _ nods on the other side of the screen, raising his eyebrows] _

**markus**: leo poured water on my bed and me, said “wake up or perish” and then left my room. i can't believe i live with him.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ lets out a sigh, looking at his boyfriend. _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ lips are pursed as if he’s holding back a laugh] _

**simon**: it’s 6.30 am

**markus**: i am more than aware

**simon**: i’m very glad you’re aware but since it’s so early why don’t you just go back to sleep

**markus**: and be murdered by a christmas crazy leo? no thanks.

**simon**: you’re like this on halloween

**markus**: am i? remind me never to have a favorite holiday again

**simon**: don’t have a favorite holiday again!

**markus, with a smile**: thanks, angel, that really helped.

**markus**: speaking of holidays what’s your favorite?

**simon**: sounds cheesy but valentine’s day

**markus**: it is cheesy

**simon**: well my birthday is february 28th so i have every right to worship valentine’s day

**markus**: missed the leap day by one day!

**simon**: damn right i did! my power!

**markus**: so fuckin powerful

**simon, bringing his finger up to his lips to tell markus to shush**: don’t curse you’ll scare the baby!

**markus**: what baby?

**simon**: me.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ stares right at _ ** _simon _ ** _ causing him to let out a small laugh] _

**markus**: i’ll hang up on you for that.

**simon**: you don’t have the balls for that. you love me too much.

**markus**: do i?

**simon**: i don’t know. but u definitely think i’m too cute to hang up on.

**markus**: you’re right about that.

**simon** : no, but seriously don’t curse, [ _ he raises his voice a tiny bit] _a certain someone is waiting outside my bedroom door for me!

[** _simon_ ** _ looks at the door, from his screen _ ** _markus_ ** _ hears the door open and someone runs in. a little girl, no more than the age of eight, has coming in giggling and jumped _ ** _simon’s _ ** _ bed. _ ** _markus _ ** _ raises an eyebrow] _

**markus**: and who’s this?

**simon**: this is my younger sister emma. emma this is markus, my boyfriend.

**emma**: hi markus! 

**markus**: hi emma! merry christmas! how are you?

**emma**: i’m good, si si got me a new doll! she’s a princess!!

**markus**: he did? is she pretty?

**emma**: the prettiest! she has really pretty hair! si si told me he was gonna teach me to braid it!

**markus**: oh did he? i didn’t know he could braid hair.

**simon**: it's a hidden talent. daniel can do it too. 

**emma**: danny’s the best at braiding! he’s the coolest big brother in the world!!!

**simon**: yeah, yeah. if he’s the coolest then why don’t you go hang out with him, silly?

**emma**: because he sent me to tell you that breakfast is ready!

**simon**: ah shit.

**markus**: hey! no cursing around the child.

**simon**: i’m breaking up with you.

**markus**: that’s fair.

**simon**: alrighty, kiddo. go tell danny, i’ll be down in a second. 

_ [ _ ** _emma _ ** _ grins and waves to _ ** _markus_ ** _ before hopping off the bed. she runs out of the room] _

**markus**: so you have to go?

**simon**: yeah. i’m sorry.

**markus**: don’t worry about it, sugar. we’ll call later.

**simon**: i miss you.

**markus**: i miss you too.

**simon**: i love you.

**markus**: i love you too.

_ [ _ ** _markus _ ** _ hangs up, showing that he indeed does have the balls to hang up on _ ** _simon_ ** _ ] _

**carwash boy → the notebook**

_ january 10th, 5.02pm _

**connor**: we going back tomorrow…

**chloe**: oh are we?

**connor**: yes’m

**chloe**: have u talked to anyone over break?

**connor**: besides you? no.

**chloe**: as you should.

**connor**: have you talked to anyone?

**chloe**: north, kara, luther, simon.

**connor**: alright, we get it ur likeable

**chloe**: aw do u wish that were you?

**connor**: no, i hope i die alone.

**chloe**: i hope i die with north.

**connor**: i am so very aware of that i hate it

**chloe**: oh to be nicki minaj

**connor**: are you sadly jamming to super bass 

again?

**chloe**: no.

**connor**: liar

**chloe**: no need to call me out

**connor**: not my fault you're a nicki minaj stan

**chloe**: not my fault she slaps.

**connor**: why are you sadly jamming to super 

bass

**chloe**: i miss my gf :(

**connor**: you’ll see her tomorrow 

**chloe**: i know 🥰🥰

**chloe**: i love my girlfriend

**connor**: we been knew

**chloe**: she’s just so perfect 

**connor**: yes maam we know. ur gay

**chloe**: damn right i am

**big tiddy goth gf → cody kaleidoscope **

_ february 14th, 6.34 pm _

**north**: i am giving u permission to be soft for one 

day

**chloe**: good morning wifey :)

**north**: it is 6.34 pm

**chloe**: good evening wifey :)

**north**: good evening, baby girl

**chloe**: imma be sappy 🥺👉👈

**north**: oh no

**chloe**: >:(

**north**: i’m just kidding be sappy

**chloe**: happy valentines day! you’re the best 

girlfriend i could possibly ask for. i have 

literally never met someone who can 

make me smile as much as you do. on 

days when i feel like actual shit, all i have 

to do is call you, because i’m so gone for 

you even the sound of your voice makes 

me happy. i have never ever seen 

someone or felt the way i feel for you. 

we’re young but i love you, more than 

anything. the way you make me feel, the 

little half smile you get when you’re about 

to crack a joke, the quirk of an eyebrow to 

express confusion. you make my heart 

soar. this is really what love feels like. 

when i lay in your arms and i can kiss your 

cheeks and see you smile and your eyes 

light up. and do Not get me started on 

your eyes, they’re blue and absolutely 

amazing. i can’t wait for the late night 

binge watching and the summer bonfires. 

with sharing s’mores and stupid frat 

parties. and i’m just so happy to be with 

you because you’re you. and you’re 

amazing

**north**: gross are you being soft?

**chloe**: u gave me permission

**north**: fuck i did

**north**: alright. i love u. ur my fave person and i’m 

really shitty with emotions so this isn’t 

going to be long and like super sappy. but 

i do, i love you. i love u with all my heart 

and i love hugging u and cuddling u, and 

doing Other things with u. i just love being 

with you! so happy valentines day baby!

**chloe**: happy valentines day goth gf!

**lover boy → precious baby!!!**

_ february 28th, 2020,1.30pm _

**markus**: happy birthday, sugar! you’re old now ur 

like 19.

**simon**: ur nineteen

**markus**: okay, but i’m not old

**simon**: fair. also thank u 🥺🥰

**markus**: ofc but stop texting so i can send u an 

essay

**simon**: oh?

**simon**: why an essay

**markus**: i said Stop Texting 😤😤

**simon**: yes sirr

**markus**: i’m homophobic so this is hard to write.

but, you make me smile. you’re so 

special. ur literally sunshine, the way ur 

eyes light up when u enter a room of 

friends. my favorite memory of us 

together is from before we were dating 

actually, which isn’t that long ago, but 

it’s from the day we met. it was after the 

groupchat which now seems like a 

lifetime ago. but we met in the dining 

hall, you were getting lucky charms at 

9.30 at night for breakfast so you could 

skip breakfast the next morning. smart 

move of you. but you seemed like you 

really believed it would work. and 

you’ve never stopped. you have never 

ever stopped being a believer and i love 

that about you. i love everything about 

you, i love your hair, your laugh, your 

lips, your eyes, you in my sweaters, the 

way you speak about things you're 

passionate about. just everything. but 

your optimism and your just belief in 

everything, especially, people makes 

me believe that there’s something good 

in this world. and that good is you. so 

yeah! happy birthday! another year of u 

making the world a better place while 

knowing every dance move and lyric to 

whipped into shape from legally blonde. 

and looking like an absolute angel while 

doing it. i love u!

**simon**: markie, i’m literally sobbing. i love you so 

much, i’m so lucky to have you

**markus**: the truth is i’m lucky to have you, 

sunshine

**simon**: that’s gay

**markus**: no i bought you a couple presents that’s 

gay

**simon**: are u my sugar daddy now?

**markus**: yeah

**simon**: okay, not opposed to that

**simon**: jkjk Unless

**markus**: be opposed to it

**simon**: no ur ugly and i hate u

**markus**: i wrote u a whole paragraph about how i 

love u and ur bullying me now?

**simon**: do u expect anything different? i’m 

confused

**markus**: well no, but actually i bought u gifts

**simon**: did u buy me sex toys bc... u would

**markus**: i Did Not

**simon**: liar

**markus**: come see me and you’ll find out

**simon**: coming

**markus**: u will be :)

**oct-hoe-ber**

_ march 15th, 2020, 3.45pm _

**||spooky scary skeleton added semen to the chat||**

**spooky scary skeleton**: okay it’s been three 

months since we got 

back together we just 

wanted to make sure it 

actually worked

**semen**: anyway were gay and Okay!

**sweet karaline**: this was a shock on this fine 

march day, but i am LIVING for 

it, and simon i missed you so 

much

**semen**: kara can we get coffee before we all get 

corona and die

**blues clues**: can i come?

**semen**: perish

**blues clues**: oh, alright

**||atlantica southeast** **changed the group name to “the rats get a bad name”||**

**||pacifica northwest changed pacifica northwests name to “‘msn worm”||**

**||peace cryptid changed atlantica southeasts name to “queen corona”||**

**queen corona**: i don’t have corona.

**peace cryptid**: you coughed

**queen corona**: WERE ON FACETIME IM NOT

EVEN NEAR YOU!!!!

**loser like me**: please give me corona

**brohemian rhapsody**: can wait to go home and 

die

**msn worm**: australia may be on fire, and 

world war three might be 

occurring, kobe and gianna 

died, mayor pete dropped out 

of the race, scientists moved 

the fucking doomsday clock, 

the corona virus may be killing 

us all, we all might be failing 

our classes and 2020 may be 

failing. 

**blues clues**: but at least we’re gay

**msn worm**: at least we’re gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a lot i know. i'm sorry for taking so long, but i really did try hard! so now we will be back to our scheduled programming. please do stay safe guys!

**Author's Note:**

> there is a tumblr account devoted to the photos here u go fam.  
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/welcome-to-hell-gcfic


End file.
